It still hurts a lot when i think about it.
i can still feel that fear gripping my heart, just like that first day i found out.
it came out of nowhere, i had no way to be prepared for it.
and it just hurt, a lot.
it still does.
because i know that is something that i will never know of in its entirety.
and i can only either believe, or let go.
and i chose to believe, because maybe i was so broken i felt i had to cling on.
maybe i felt i had done my fair share of wrongdoings and he deserved a second chance.
but i will never know the truth, and sometimes that haunts me.
because it clouds my thinking and in a way, i never will know what's true.
i could be thinking im in a strong, stable relationship where he loves me and i am enough.
but he could be feeling a myriad of things and just not be expressing it to me and i would never know.
he could be the guy i think he is; a genuine person who honestly slipped up once.
or he could be the monster i fear: an ultimate d-bag that got away doing what he did because he's such a good liar.
because that's the funny thing about trusting someone; you could either be really trusting a good person who deserves it, or you could be trusting the lies and deceits that your manipulative other has spun for you.
and at times it feels like that is something i can never get over completely.
there i days i feel like i forgave him, but there are days like today where i feel i dont know him at all.
and it scares me because how do you live your whole life with a person you feel you dont know and you dont know what he's capable of doing, how much he could possibly hurt you?
its a scary feeling to live with, but most days i am stronger than that feeling.

i guess i just never know how to deal with it.