cause sometimes in life,
you need to take a step back in order to move forward.

so i haven't been here in a really long time.
almost forgot i have this space all to myself.
and also i kind of forgotten how easily being here made the thoughts flow.
but so much has been happening for me emotionally that i naturally felt drawn back to this place.
i guess at least i know of one healthy way of release.

so a lot has been happening in life, almost too much to recount.
but one major thing would be the fact that i've started to question my views once again.
basically the way i view myself and how i view certain values.
my perspective on life.
and i have come to realise that maybe i might have put too much effort in upholding certain bonds i deemed as "friendship" when the harsh reality is that those "friendships" are not true ones at all.
i know it sounds pretty cliche right now but let me explain.
like these are the friends that you would have thought are necessary or at least society dictates so.
like somehow you just ended up in that social circle and you get called on whenever this group meets up, almost like a social obligation to fulfil that attendance.
and at first you get excited at the prospect of belonging, of being in some form of social entity.
but then as time goes, and you realise you're not in it because they accept you for who you are but rather because it was pretty circumstantial.
so then you start to question why do you still fulfil that social obligation when you come to realise that they don't truly "friend" you?
they serve no benefit or contribute to your life (albeit the occasional nice deeds) on a deeper level.
have i felt any emotional support or connection from these individuals?
No.
so why then do we still continue to be part of this social circle when we find no intrinsic value in it?
is it because that is the way social circles work?
or is it because it is too late now to self-exclude yourself, in the fears that you might offend someone?
to me, it made me re-evaluate what i view as friendship and how i value friendship in my life.
and that's when i come to realise, a friendship is just like any relationship, just without the sexual and intimacy needs.
for any friendship to be beneficial to self emotionally, it requires full acceptance of the person, flaws and all.
though this is yet another cliched statement, few truly understand what it means to wholeheartedly accept a person for who they are even with their insecurities and shortcomings.
i guess what has been bothering me the most is the fact that the person i always viewed as my best friend and felt so lucky to have, seems to have actually been befriending me conditionally.
to me, i always thought friendship is unconditional too: you accept where they fall short and love them still no matter what.
but it turns out that not many are able to do that.
i decided to room together with my best friend for university and our first year together was a pretty good experience, at least to me.
so naturally we thought we would do a second year together since we've already gotten comfortable with one another.
but that's where things started going downhill.
i mean i do know that the addition of my boyfriend into the picture does change things, but i never thought it would change it so drastically.
with my boyfriend in the picture, of course that means i spend lesser time with my roomie now, but that doesn't mean i love her any less.
and it is not like i completely abdicated on her, i still wanted to be with her whenever the opportunity was there.
but i guess being with my boyfriend and being away from her made her seek other people to be close to and i don't blame her for that it's only natural.
but what i don't understand is why getting closer to other people meant she had to drift away from me.
slowly, i noticed that her mannerisms towards me were less warm and more distant.
at first i dismissed it on her occasional mood swings.
but it persisted and that's where i really got puzzled.
i do know that she does much more in terms of hygiene matters, but i am trying my best too.
i guess where i feel disappointed is the fact that amidst all that she has done, she has failed to understand me.
yes, on the surface it seems logical for her to become more distant, what with her doing more for the room and with me spending less time with her.
but if some thought was given to the fact that i don't get to do as much as her for the room because of the various commitments and academic load i have, and that i spend less time with her now because by spending time with my boyfriend during school days i get to save my weekends to study and for my family, she would have understood why i did what i did.
i mean at the end of the day each of us has our own battles, and as friends you would try to understand each other's.
maybe she might feel that i don't understand hers well enough, though i most certainly try to.
but to me, i feel a complete lack of emotional support because i lack her understanding.
her behaviour towards me shows clearly that she doesn't understand my situation.
but even through all this, i still love her.
cause that is friendship: loving unconditionally.
even if she doesn't understand me, even if she grows colder towards me.
i still will try and still give her my best, because she is my best friend.
and i know that she has done so much for me and for that i am forever grateful.

i guess in life it would be really hard to find someone whom you can openly trust because that person accepts you as a whole.
i thought i found that in my life at least this once, but maybe i'm wrong.
i can only hope that by accepting others, someday i'll find someone who accepts me too.
but of course, does this realization hurt me emotionally?
Most definitely.
to find out that what you valued as true friendship isn't exactly being reciprocated is certainly quite painful to the heart.
but i guess the only thing i can do is try to make her see my viewpoint by continuing to love her.
and showing her that just because she grows more distant or cold, it doesnt mean you're no longer my best friend.

so my takeaway would certainly be that friendship is rare.
at least true friendships are.
sure in life you'll meet lots of acquaintances.
but to have someone you can truly count on and to love and be loved, i guess it takes time to find that person.
and so i will wait.
because what else can i do.
i hope i meet this person someday soon.
for all i know i might not be blessed enough to even have such a person in my life.
but i can hope.
so i shall.