cause there are times i question myself, really hard.
i wonder why i make the decisions i do.
and i wonder if they were the right ones to make in the first place.

today is just such a horrible day.
i feel like there is no other way i could possibly be insulted.
my appearance, my physicality and my emotional being.
i get serious doubts and insecurities on days like these.
and i just question all the life decisions i have made so far.
like my university education.
what was i thinking?
why didn't i choose to go?
why did i go so close to achieving my dream but abandon it all for this?
and him.
why do i stay?
why do i keep telling myself to compromise on an issue i know i will never be able to compromise on?
its like subconsciously i know this is not going to go away but yet i just keep fighting it.
and now the question is how much longer do i think i can fight it?
how much longer am i supposed to bear all the mental and emotional torture that i make myself go through?

and the worst part is that i desperately want to talk to someone about it all.
but i have no one.
none that could give me what i need.
in a place where i thought i would be surrounded by like-minded people and wise ones too, i feel so alone.
i feel desperate to reach out for help but i don't know how.
so many times i have contemplated the idea of talking to a psychiatrist.
or a psychologist.
just someone who might be able to tell what is going on with myself.
someone who can shed light on all these internal conflicts i face and normalise them.
give it a term and make it a condition so i know that at least im still sane and im normal.
and also because i just really need someone to talk to.
at this rate im going, its no wonder the priest said i would spend my days with tear-soaked eyes.