i know how much you really wanted me to just leave him and go.
how much you wished we could have our own infinity and so much more to it.
and trust me, i was this close to leaving everything and walking straight into your arms.
i really was just a silver away from that decision.
what broke me really was the thought of being alone.
i couldnt do that.
cause i always associated being alone to that part of my life where hell i was suicidal.
i felt like nothing good would ever come out of life and i couldnt find any reason to wake up to another day.
i was and still am terrified of being alone.
because lets face it, i never liked being alone and throughout my life, i always made sure i was never alone.
there was always some male figure in the story, be it a boyfriend or an almost-could be.
i didnt ever mean this to be in the slutty way that i just needed a male's attention.
but the fact is, i truly am scared.
deep down, where its raw, i have nightmares of ending up alone.
and they have caused me so many sleepless nights too.
if i were to talk to you about all my inner demons, im really afraid they might scare you off too.
partially the reason why even i dont want to face them.
i just act like i have gotten over them and pretend they dont exist anymore.
but fact is, i still am tormented.
especially on nights like these.
and it suffocates me when i feel i have no one to turn to and talk to.
im also afraid to.
cause the only person i ever connected with on such a deep level, he caused me the biggest heartbreak of my life.
and i cant risk my heart that way again.
i cant ever let myself be that vulnerable again.
so back to you, trust me, deep down in my heart i honestly wished we could have been something.
it really did break me when i came to realise how easily you moved on from me.
because when you said those words, something about it told me to believe it.
and i did.
i swear i believed how much you said you felt about me and how much i had impacted you that you felt you would want to wait.
and for a moment i really did think you would wait.
but you didnt.
not even for a second.
you turned your back on whatever we had and went in search of other infinities you could have.
not to sound like a bitch who wants you only to myself though i dont promise you myself.
but it hurt to believe your words and be broken all over again.
to feel that i was insignificant and not worthy enough to even have been any wait at all.
thats how i felt.
and all i could do was put a fake smile, be truly happy for you that you are happy, and only wish that that girl was me.

i dont know if i can ever trust anymore.
i dont know what to believe in.