something unsettling.
stirring deep within and never resting.
cant take a break from this mental whir of emotions.
alive but not breathing.
its been quite a week for me.
have had so many insecurities acting up and i dont know for what reason.
but somehow i just cant make this unsettling feeling go away.
a week.
i dont think its ever lasted this long.
its tormenting.
torturous.
murdering me slowly from the inside.
eating me alive.
its like i feel like i need a break from this but i dont know how to break free.
it is already my holidays.
and technically now is the time i can do everything on my terms.
so i dont know what the damn hell is stopping me from feeling free.
from gaining the inner peace that i require.
from stopping myself feel like this mound load of crap.
i dont know if this is the period talking and making me feel like shit.
or if i really have some continuing and never-ending issue with something that i have yet to identify.
all that i know is that i have been feeling this way ever since that night when i realised he had nothing for me.
and yes at times i really felt like crap about that, that i put in so much of time and effort into making something beautiful for him just so that i could see that look on his face that i have touched him in a deep place.
but nope, instead i got the reaction of the anti-christ with a sigh and the forced laughter along with the totally fake "i love it".
i dont know what i did wrong.
i dont know where i went wrong.
i thought it was perfect.
but everything just turned out nasty and downright horrendous.
and then to finally face the reality that he had nothing for me in return and not that he was hiding a surprise for me.
that really did suck.
and now thinking about it, i really dont know why i have to put up with that.
i mean yeah there was a time somewhere this week where i could come to terms with it.
i told myself i cannot prize him over what gifts he gives me or whether he even gifts me cause he has done so much for me in so many other ways.
but goddamn its a special day and he knows i was looking forward to something so bloody hell i have the right to be utterly disappointed, hurt and angry.
and then came the part where he left to go for his own holiday.
besides the fact that he didnt get into contact with me for two whole days which left me sick worrying over him and obsessing over what could have possibly gone wrong.
then to learn that he is having so much fun while you're feeling the most down in the dumps you have ever felt in awhile.
i mean not to be selfish and say he isnt allowed to be happy, but seriously the timing couldnt have been any more perfect.
to feel that horrendous and know that your other half isnt able to empathize with you cause he is having the time of his life.
that sucked.
and hurt.
and seriously majorly sucked.
and then to find out his reply to your excitement to finally get to see him after over a week: i would be fucking shag.
so not only do i have the absence of my partner to deal with along with the sucky aforementioned fact, i also just get the after-product, a tired hot mess who wont be able to give me much?
so all the energy he has will be spent on having the time of his life with his friends and the girlfriend who's going through a rough period has to deal with the tiredness.
hell no.
and not only about the tiredness, i would have to deal with the crap that he has spent a shitload of money so there so he wont have any to spend on me anymore.
seriously why do i even stick with this guy.
what in the damn hell is wrong with me to want to purposely hurt myself this way?
its like i already feel myself trying so hard only to find that im punching my way through a thick brick wall sealed shut with cement that is never gonna cave.
pointless basically.
and at this point is where i would ask myself: what am i doing with my life?
is this what i really want?
am i even sure what i want?
should i just have taken that ticket to spend my life overseas?
would i have been spared all this misery that way?
seriously again, what am i doing with my life?
