i know how much you really wanted me to just leave him and go.
how much you wished we could have our own infinity and so much more to it.
and trust me, i was this close to leaving everything and walking straight into your arms.
i really was just a silver away from that decision.
what broke me really was the thought of being alone.
i couldnt do that.
cause i always associated being alone to that part of my life where hell i was suicidal.
i felt like nothing good would ever come out of life and i couldnt find any reason to wake up to another day.
i was and still am terrified of being alone.
because lets face it, i never liked being alone and throughout my life, i always made sure i was never alone.
there was always some male figure in the story, be it a boyfriend or an almost-could be.
i didnt ever mean this to be in the slutty way that i just needed a male's attention.
but the fact is, i truly am scared.
deep down, where its raw, i have nightmares of ending up alone.
and they have caused me so many sleepless nights too.
if i were to talk to you about all my inner demons, im really afraid they might scare you off too.
partially the reason why even i dont want to face them.
i just act like i have gotten over them and pretend they dont exist anymore.
but fact is, i still am tormented.
especially on nights like these.
and it suffocates me when i feel i have no one to turn to and talk to.
im also afraid to.
cause the only person i ever connected with on such a deep level, he caused me the biggest heartbreak of my life.
and i cant risk my heart that way again.
i cant ever let myself be that vulnerable again.
so back to you, trust me, deep down in my heart i honestly wished we could have been something.
it really did break me when i came to realise how easily you moved on from me.
because when you said those words, something about it told me to believe it.
and i did.
i swear i believed how much you said you felt about me and how much i had impacted you that you felt you would want to wait.
and for a moment i really did think you would wait.
but you didnt.
not even for a second.
you turned your back on whatever we had and went in search of other infinities you could have.
not to sound like a bitch who wants you only to myself though i dont promise you myself.
but it hurt to believe your words and be broken all over again.
to feel that i was insignificant and not worthy enough to even have been any wait at all.
thats how i felt.
and all i could do was put a fake smile, be truly happy for you that you are happy, and only wish that that girl was me.
i dont know if i can ever trust anymore.
i dont know what to believe in.
something unsettling.
stirring deep within and never resting.
cant take a break from this mental whir of emotions.
alive but not breathing.
its been quite a week for me.
have had so many insecurities acting up and i dont know for what reason.
but somehow i just cant make this unsettling feeling go away.
a week.
i dont think its ever lasted this long.
its tormenting.
torturous.
murdering me slowly from the inside.
eating me alive.
its like i feel like i need a break from this but i dont know how to break free.
it is already my holidays.
and technically now is the time i can do everything on my terms.
so i dont know what the damn hell is stopping me from feeling free.
from gaining the inner peace that i require.
from stopping myself feel like this mound load of crap.
i dont know if this is the period talking and making me feel like shit.
or if i really have some continuing and never-ending issue with something that i have yet to identify.
all that i know is that i have been feeling this way ever since that night when i realised he had nothing for me.
and yes at times i really felt like crap about that, that i put in so much of time and effort into making something beautiful for him just so that i could see that look on his face that i have touched him in a deep place.
but nope, instead i got the reaction of the anti-christ with a sigh and the forced laughter along with the totally fake "i love it".
i dont know what i did wrong.
i dont know where i went wrong.
i thought it was perfect.
but everything just turned out nasty and downright horrendous.
and then to finally face the reality that he had nothing for me in return and not that he was hiding a surprise for me.
that really did suck.
and now thinking about it, i really dont know why i have to put up with that.
i mean yeah there was a time somewhere this week where i could come to terms with it.
i told myself i cannot prize him over what gifts he gives me or whether he even gifts me cause he has done so much for me in so many other ways.
but goddamn its a special day and he knows i was looking forward to something so bloody hell i have the right to be utterly disappointed, hurt and angry.
and then came the part where he left to go for his own holiday.
besides the fact that he didnt get into contact with me for two whole days which left me sick worrying over him and obsessing over what could have possibly gone wrong.
then to learn that he is having so much fun while you're feeling the most down in the dumps you have ever felt in awhile.
i mean not to be selfish and say he isnt allowed to be happy, but seriously the timing couldnt have been any more perfect.
to feel that horrendous and know that your other half isnt able to empathize with you cause he is having the time of his life.
that sucked.
and hurt.
and seriously majorly sucked.
and then to find out his reply to your excitement to finally get to see him after over a week: i would be fucking shag.
so not only do i have the absence of my partner to deal with along with the sucky aforementioned fact, i also just get the after-product, a tired hot mess who wont be able to give me much?
so all the energy he has will be spent on having the time of his life with his friends and the girlfriend who's going through a rough period has to deal with the tiredness.
hell no.
and not only about the tiredness, i would have to deal with the crap that he has spent a shitload of money so there so he wont have any to spend on me anymore.
seriously why do i even stick with this guy.
what in the damn hell is wrong with me to want to purposely hurt myself this way?
its like i already feel myself trying so hard only to find that im punching my way through a thick brick wall sealed shut with cement that is never gonna cave.
pointless basically.
and at this point is where i would ask myself: what am i doing with my life?
is this what i really want?
am i even sure what i want?
should i just have taken that ticket to spend my life overseas?
would i have been spared all this misery that way?
seriously again, what am i doing with my life?
