it took time for her to figure things out.
but somehow she manages to find her way home.

writing after what seems like forever.
i almost forgot i have this outlet through which i still do think of the past and see how far i've come.
well what do you know, im a university student.
to think of how much i have grown already in terms of chronological age, it is quite scary how fast time goes by.
i feel pretty much the same girl though, just one that is more sociable and less judgemental.
but maybe that is me growing up.
and sometimes i really do wonder who are these people reading my blog.

well my relationship definitely did take a rocky road.
i guess for a moment i lost sight of what i wanted in life.
i wont deny that i still love him for who he is and that we would be pretty much perfect for each other.
but i already have my own little infinity and i dont see why i should go chasing for greater infinities when im already happy with my own.
and like the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side.
i guess this quite apt a saying here.
its just sometimes, really sometimes, i do wish we had another time.
or another place.
and maybe things would have been different.

but for now, im happy.
im back to the phase where everything in life is exactly where it should be.
and i know that as much as i want it, these dont last forever.
im bound to go through struggles and challeneges to keep things this way.
but all i know for now is that im going to live in this moment and enjoy every single bit of this happiness.
you can say im contented, which im learning to be more of.
i guess having to stay apart from my family made me more independent in that sense.
and it made me desire less from life.
not in the sense of lack lustre for greater things in life.
but rather reduced expectations and basically being contented with what i have.
and i think that is a valuable gift and lesson that i have been able to learn by living on my own.
not to sound cocky though, i think living on my own is actually really easy and fun.
i guess cause im always preoccupied doing something that i dont really miss their presence.
but of course its a warm feeling to be with your loved ones.
above all of them, i miss him the most and i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
but its sad to think that maybe , just maybe, one day i might feel the same way for him as i do for them now.
i think its pretty much taking them for granted, or maybe im just that emotionally involved anymore.
cause i've learnt that yes indeed, being emotionally involved can give great satisfaction and true feelings of wonderment.
but then again, there comes the raw pain and stabbing feeling of reality.
so in retrospective, maybe its not a lot to give up on.
i mean hey, im happy this way too.
so why should i subject myself to all that hurt and pain?

i guess taking a break from life these days are so precious that its sad its becoming a scarcity.
its sad that i dont envision days where i just sit out and enjoy a nice cool drink in the company of my loved one and just talk about anything under the sky.
its sad i dont do that because i know i dont have the time for that anymore.
its sad how i've changed that way.
its sad.

but as i learn to grow in this world, to stand on my own two feet, i have to say i cant wait for the next phase in my life.
i cant wait to progress somewhere and let life bring me on adventures.
because idealistic me right now believes that even in the working world, there has got to be something out there for me so that i can chase my dreams.
i dont want to be yet another girl that had to give up on her dreams just because she couldn't afford it.
i dont want to be yet another girl that looks on other vets with envy, telling herself she was this close to being in their shoe instead.
i dont want to be yet another girl who tells her own daughter in future: it doesnt hurt to dream but it might hurt when you dont get to live your dream.
but then again, its idealistic me now.
and looking at the way i have been growing and how generally people morph into adults, idealistic soon becomes realistic.
and we all know what realistic me would choose.

take me back to a time when life was so simple.
when all i wondered about was whether his glances meant anything.
when the way i looked in the camera made my face look better.
when his love was all that i needed.
take me back.