When all you can do is stand by the sidelines and watch it all happen.
how once they met.
how they fell in love.
and how they became strangers again.

so i have been doing a fair bit of thinking about how fragile relationships are.
and the fact that nobody realises the entirety of it.
or at least so i think.
to think that any relationship either ends up in marriage or in a break up.
its scary when you have to put it into such extremities.
if i could say that marriage is an extremity.
but lets face it, no one is going to get married any time soon when you're still so young.
so being idealistic doesn't exactly help to decipher the real depth of choosing a marriage.
and all this thoughts have been provoked by the fact that everywhere around me, people are drifting apart.
the faces i used to associate to one another are now drowned out amidst a haze of unfamiliar people.
and somehow i get the feeling that i get when i reach the end of a good book.
withdrawal.
that things are not the way it used to be anymore.
that things won't be the same.
and that you can't do anything about it.
and just like how every storybook ends, their chapter has ended and all you can do is sit and wonder about the what-ifs and could-haves.

talking about the fragility of relationships, i wouldn't have to go far.
i had a rough patch of my own and i had to make some decisions.
and at the end of the day, i still can't tell if i attribute my decision to knowing what i really want or whether i was just too afraid to take risks.
whether i was afraid of being the person who lost everything, thinking that there was better for her when she already had her own perfect infinity.
so i guess im not much a risk-taker.
and i don't know if future me would regret that.
but at least i know its a conscious decision and i don't regret it.
so let fate take where me where i'm supposed to go and i know that one day, i would come to realise if i did the right thing or not.
it's just a matter of waiting for that day to come.

so i realise i have actually gotten myself into maybe too many activities.
and i would probably regret it once it all comes crashing down on me in semester 2.
but lets just pray to a good start in semester 1 and that i don't lose focus of what actually matters at the end of the day.
so here is to more studying and hopefully getting excellent grades.
i know i'm a smart person.
and i know i should believe in that.
cause as i always tell myself, you're destined for greatness.
no matter where, what occasion or what path.
i know i will excel and i have learnt to stop doubting myself.
so here is to the brighter future ahead of me.
i can taste it.
achievement is within my reach.
so now, it is on to the path of hard work towards that end goal.
ciao.

it took time for her to figure things out.
but somehow she manages to find her way home.

writing after what seems like forever.
i almost forgot i have this outlet through which i still do think of the past and see how far i've come.
well what do you know, im a university student.
to think of how much i have grown already in terms of chronological age, it is quite scary how fast time goes by.
i feel pretty much the same girl though, just one that is more sociable and less judgemental.
but maybe that is me growing up.
and sometimes i really do wonder who are these people reading my blog.

well my relationship definitely did take a rocky road.
i guess for a moment i lost sight of what i wanted in life.
i wont deny that i still love him for who he is and that we would be pretty much perfect for each other.
but i already have my own little infinity and i dont see why i should go chasing for greater infinities when im already happy with my own.
and like the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side.
i guess this quite apt a saying here.
its just sometimes, really sometimes, i do wish we had another time.
or another place.
and maybe things would have been different.

but for now, im happy.
im back to the phase where everything in life is exactly where it should be.
and i know that as much as i want it, these dont last forever.
im bound to go through struggles and challeneges to keep things this way.
but all i know for now is that im going to live in this moment and enjoy every single bit of this happiness.
you can say im contented, which im learning to be more of.
i guess having to stay apart from my family made me more independent in that sense.
and it made me desire less from life.
not in the sense of lack lustre for greater things in life.
but rather reduced expectations and basically being contented with what i have.
and i think that is a valuable gift and lesson that i have been able to learn by living on my own.
not to sound cocky though, i think living on my own is actually really easy and fun.
i guess cause im always preoccupied doing something that i dont really miss their presence.
but of course its a warm feeling to be with your loved ones.
above all of them, i miss him the most and i cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
but its sad to think that maybe , just maybe, one day i might feel the same way for him as i do for them now.
i think its pretty much taking them for granted, or maybe im just that emotionally involved anymore.
cause i've learnt that yes indeed, being emotionally involved can give great satisfaction and true feelings of wonderment.
but then again, there comes the raw pain and stabbing feeling of reality.
so in retrospective, maybe its not a lot to give up on.
i mean hey, im happy this way too.
so why should i subject myself to all that hurt and pain?

i guess taking a break from life these days are so precious that its sad its becoming a scarcity.
its sad that i dont envision days where i just sit out and enjoy a nice cool drink in the company of my loved one and just talk about anything under the sky.
its sad i dont do that because i know i dont have the time for that anymore.
its sad how i've changed that way.
its sad.

but as i learn to grow in this world, to stand on my own two feet, i have to say i cant wait for the next phase in my life.
i cant wait to progress somewhere and let life bring me on adventures.
because idealistic me right now believes that even in the working world, there has got to be something out there for me so that i can chase my dreams.
i dont want to be yet another girl that had to give up on her dreams just because she couldn't afford it.
i dont want to be yet another girl that looks on other vets with envy, telling herself she was this close to being in their shoe instead.
i dont want to be yet another girl who tells her own daughter in future: it doesnt hurt to dream but it might hurt when you dont get to live your dream.
but then again, its idealistic me now.
and looking at the way i have been growing and how generally people morph into adults, idealistic soon becomes realistic.
and we all know what realistic me would choose.

take me back to a time when life was so simple.
when all i wondered about was whether his glances meant anything.
when the way i looked in the camera made my face look better.
when his love was all that i needed.
take me back.