cause when you look back, you cant expect to see the same things.
you wish you saw the same things but sadly things would have changed.
and it further weakens you to know that you cant stop or make things go back to how they used to be.
you cant do anything about it.
other than watch from the outskirts and hold on to your memories of what used to be.

so i had nothing much to do and decided to visit this tumblr that i used to go to alot.
back in those days when i was emotionally vulnerable and didnt want to feel so alone by knowing that there were other girls out there who felt the way i did.
i thought by doing that i wouldnt feel like im all alone in this.
and trust me it really did work.
until the day i saw that her posts starting becoming happier and more light-hearted.
after a few more weeks of following it was finally announced that she had gotten the love of her life.
explained the sudden change of settings from the solemn lonely pictures to the happily painted images of love.
and i'll admit i was happy for her though my grieving heart did not want to move on from my loss just yet.
but i vividly remember thinking when would be my turn.
when would i find the love of my life and when would i feel normal again.
when would i be as happy as she was in those pictures of her being surrounded by the arms of her man.
and thankfully i did find him.
i have yet to say that we would brace through it all but im definitely happy and definitely willing to go all the way with him.
so on this day, i just happened to chance upon her tumblr again.
even i was surprised that my failing memory could still remember her tumblr link after all these years.
well i know its only been a matter of 4 years but still i've come a long way from that horrid period of time.
and i was frantically searching for a picture or a post of her and her man.
to know that she still had her happily ever after.
and well, she still did have a happily ever after.
but it wasn't the same man i saw her fall for.
i was appalled and honestly quite saddened to see an unfamiliar face beside her dainty figure, holding her tight.
and thats when i realised how fragile relationships are.
you can never tell when one would end and one would begin.
and its sad to see the relationships you once know off being broken.
its really sad.

so i had some time to think of my own relationship too.
helped a lot to be able to have a friend whom i can honestly tell my feelings and just share what i really felt.
and to also have her inputs.
well, i definitely know that this relationship means a great deal to me.
and that i want it to keep it going and have my happily ever after.
but the bottom line, which she helped me realise too, is that he loved me.
he loved me like he has never loved any other before.
and that is enough.
deep in my heart i know i didnt love him as deep as i loved another.
but as time wore on and we grew together, i have to say he earned my heart.
he slowly won me over.
and im glad he did.
cause otherwise i wouldnt want to give him my all.
i wouldnt want to try my best.
and i wouldnt have realised how much im loved.