cause when you look back, you cant expect to see the same things.
you wish you saw the same things but sadly things would have changed.
and it further weakens you to know that you cant stop or make things go back to how they used to be.
you cant do anything about it.
other than watch from the outskirts and hold on to your memories of what used to be.
so i had nothing much to do and decided to visit this tumblr that i used to go to alot.
back in those days when i was emotionally vulnerable and didnt want to feel so alone by knowing that there were other girls out there who felt the way i did.
i thought by doing that i wouldnt feel like im all alone in this.
and trust me it really did work.
until the day i saw that her posts starting becoming happier and more light-hearted.
after a few more weeks of following it was finally announced that she had gotten the love of her life.
explained the sudden change of settings from the solemn lonely pictures to the happily painted images of love.
and i'll admit i was happy for her though my grieving heart did not want to move on from my loss just yet.
but i vividly remember thinking when would be my turn.
when would i find the love of my life and when would i feel normal again.
when would i be as happy as she was in those pictures of her being surrounded by the arms of her man.
and thankfully i did find him.
i have yet to say that we would brace through it all but im definitely happy and definitely willing to go all the way with him.
so on this day, i just happened to chance upon her tumblr again.
even i was surprised that my failing memory could still remember her tumblr link after all these years.
well i know its only been a matter of 4 years but still i've come a long way from that horrid period of time.
and i was frantically searching for a picture or a post of her and her man.
to know that she still had her happily ever after.
and well, she still did have a happily ever after.
but it wasn't the same man i saw her fall for.
i was appalled and honestly quite saddened to see an unfamiliar face beside her dainty figure, holding her tight.
and thats when i realised how fragile relationships are.
you can never tell when one would end and one would begin.
and its sad to see the relationships you once know off being broken.
its really sad.
so i had some time to think of my own relationship too.
helped a lot to be able to have a friend whom i can honestly tell my feelings and just share what i really felt.
and to also have her inputs.
well, i definitely know that this relationship means a great deal to me.
and that i want it to keep it going and have my happily ever after.
but the bottom line, which she helped me realise too, is that he loved me.
he loved me like he has never loved any other before.
and that is enough.
deep in my heart i know i didnt love him as deep as i loved another.
but as time wore on and we grew together, i have to say he earned my heart.
he slowly won me over.
and im glad he did.
cause otherwise i wouldnt want to give him my all.
i wouldnt want to try my best.
and i wouldnt have realised how much im loved.
close your eyes and open your heart.
stop seeing and start feeling.
you'll naturally feel beauty and happiness.
so i kinda disappeared due to A's and never really got back.
though there have been countless nights where blogging was what i really needed to do.
too many emotions held up in that precarious heart of mine.
too much to handle for one small being.
so life has had much in store for me.
with the various opportunities i got of course.
i really couldnt believe it at that time.
i didnt believe such things could happen to me.
i guess i secretly always felt that i was just not good enough.
and that opportunity was all i needed to prove myself wrong.
and looking back at how i always thought and feared that my best wasnt good enough.
well, i now know.
i guess that was the much needed confidence.
and now i just have to stay positive.
be optimistic and wait for the best.
cause as i always tell myself, or at least recently, you're destined for greatness.
i never knew i would become an adult so fast.
now that the time has come, all i want to do is wear back my uniform and wake up like a zombie.
take that crowded train half awake and dread the hours in school.
sounds crazy but i wanna become a student again.
not like a uni student but a student wearing a uniform.
i know i lived each moment i could.
but still i feel its not enough.
i guess you can never get enough of it.
as i grow up i find myself reflecting less.
its like as though i dont get time for it anymore.
and i guess thats why some people dont change any longer.
they become stubborn and unwilling to adapt.
and i sure as hell hope i dont turn out to be like those people.
i cant help feeling my relationship with my dad turning horrible.
each time we talk, it just ends in an argument.
its like we're too different to even be on the same page.
or even in the same book.
and honestly i dont know what to do any longer.
on one hand, its the fact that i have to stick for the truth.
and on the other hand, there's dad.
hmm.
make lots of time for beautiful memories.
cause these are the things that you'll keep for the rest of your life.
the pictures and the laughter is what you'll remember.
and always keep them close to your heart.
cause you never know when they might become the sole piece of hope you have left.
it just might happen.
i know its going to be a hard year for us.
dealing with distance is never easy.
and being the more emotionally sensitive one, we both know who's gonna take it harder.
i dont want to go through this.
but at the same time, i dont want to stay either.
my heart is torn between the two.
i can only hope that our love is strong.
and that it can brace the thousands of miles between us.
cause there's nothing more that i want.
i just want you at the end of the day.
only you.
