cause the worst fears of mine haunt me not only in my dreams.
but it haunts me whenever i see your face.
and when i dont.

this year is definitely the year i would remember for committing the biggest mistake in my life.
it has changed my day to day life a whole lot as much as i wish it didnt.
but im glad at least the hardest part is over and from here on, i just want things to be the way i always imagined it would be.
i wont be able to deal with any more pain, both physically and emotionally.
ive had enough.

though the fear is always there, so is hope.
the small fragment of optimism that gives you the benefit of doubt.
and i hope i would not be foolish to have defended you so much.
i hope you would do the same for me.
though i would have already come to terms with the idea that im not loved as much as i love, all i could ask for is that im never alone.
that would just drive me insane though some thoughts of mine are already doing just that.
i really wish i could just put the past behind and move on but in everything that i see or do, i see a reflection of my horrific decision and the consequences.
i needed a reason to keep going.
and for now, im believing in you.
if one day you decide to stop, i hope i'll be strong enough by then.

i just want to feel normal again.
just one second.
and to stop those nightmares.
they rip my soul everytime i wake up to realise how close to reality they are.
i just need you to prove me that they're just thoughts that will never materialize.
just once.

cause this soul of mine cant take no more hurt.
and the recovery is as painful as the road i took.
i've got no one to blame but myself.
so if you go, i won't stop you.
i love you.