and it hits you real hard.
to realize you've come full circle.
but in the end, i guess it was meant to be.

this year has definitely been one of the worst.
i really cant deal with it emotionally.
firstly i dont know how to.
cause i never would have expected myself to even be in the situation i am in today.
i never thought i would be that girl.
but here i am, lost and just wanting a way out of it.
a way to become myself again.
a way to feel normal again.
if it wasnt for this happening then sure the year would have been a lot different.
i would have been much happier.
i hate myself for that stupid mistake.

every year i face something that just makes it the biggest event and the one thing that i'll remember of that year.
but this time, i just wish i could erase the fact that it even happened.
every day im dying a little bit from the truth.
and of course today is one of those days i just cant hold it together anymore.
today was one of those days i faced some of my scariest demons yet again.
i know i dont want to go back down that road.
but goddamn its damn tempting.

once again dance has become my only escape.
and possibly the only cure.
but i know i cant keep doing it forever.
it hurts to.
i've become so weak because of it.
and i hate that.
i hate it.
i know its wrong to do that but if it wasnt for it i really would be leading my normal life right now.
and not this twisted scary reality that i still dont know how to accept.
god please help me.
you're my only hope.