run away from the light and seek your shell.
cause its in the darkness that you shine so brightly.

so i've had many experiences this past month.
some i never saw coming and some...i wouldnt quite know how to place.
so i'll start with the big one.
boy that one was unimaginable.
i would say it does look like a scene straight out from a movie but definitely not part of my movie life.
the lights flashing by.
my survival to stay awake.
it was terrifying.
i really thought i would die if i didnt stay awake.
but of course i was just unconscious.
that night it didnt matter who was by my side.
i just needed someone.
the thought that i would be there alone through it all absolutely terrified me and i begged them to stay.
but then, sometimes in life you would be thrown all alone huh?
hmm.
that day was horrible.
when i started being unable to control my own body parts i just couldnt stop crying.
and then when i felt like i couldnt breathe anymore, it was like death was sitting on me in that ambulance.
no one around me could see it but i could.
i guess thats why no one saw the fear in my eyes too.
and that one hour of waiting.
i literally felt like my head was gonna snap and roll off of me.
and all through it i gotta admit i wish you were there.
but you werent.
you didnt come either.
you dont know how much that affected me.
and i guess you'll probably never know.

the next day i realised death is so much nearer than i thought it was.
it was always a concept that i toyed in my head, what if i died today?
but to actually experience it, it got me thinking.
i felt i should write letters.
and to you, i knew it would be the most personal letter.
cause its true that you've been the only person i ever got so personal with.
and its to you i would write the 'i love you' that i had written so many times otherwise when your eyes werent looking.
cause you really meant that much to me.
and strangely i didnt feel like i betrayed him.
because i know that its not a love affair kinda love but actually something more meaningful.
whether he would be able to comprehend that is beyond my understanding.
but yes, i did not feel like its betrayal at all.
i honestly felt that much for him.
i did care a lot too.
but the love is just different.
i never loved him the way i loved you.
maybe in time i might i would never know.
but back to the letters.
i would really want to start writing them.

and then those days of rest were just mindless days of wandering and thoughtlessness.

christmas came.
it wasnt a very merry affair this year.
but it was special.
i felt so vulnerable.
but maybe i should.
maybe its time someone knew.

and then i met up you.
i was glad to.
at first i was afraid that after seeing you i would succumb.
but rather things became more clear for me.
and i started missing him.
it was a great time well spent definitely.
it felt..comfortable.

these blessed souls of ours aren't ours to keep.
its a big lie that most people tell you so that you believe in yourself.
tear apart the happiness and sorrow and feel the beating within.
that's all thats yours to keep and thats what you hold onto.
cause thats what makes you who you really are.

push the thought back.
keep it there.
just for once live for your own.

so apparently its my holidays already.
somehow i just don't feel like im making full use of it yet.
i really can't wait for my vacations though.
haven't had a proper one in like 4 years so it really is a break in a long time.
i should probably get started on my work like tomorrow.
don't really have that much time left.

so the uncanny date and resemblance of events.
it scares me.
i'll admit.
one was returning and another is leaving.
ironical part is the one who returned didn't stay and the one leaving is the one who does stay.
tell me about it.
in a span of 2 years, so many things have changed.
i really never thought i would get so attached.
but i did.
the scary part is that its like a strong sense of deja vu.
like its happening again.
the time is the same.
the place is almost the same.
and the feeling is somehow same.
and that is what scares me.
that i still can feel that way.

i said i'll miss you my dear.
i pleaded with you not to go.
i wished we could stay here forever.
i wanted you to hold me close.
and as i watched you leave,
i know you saw it in my eyes.
the burning fire within me,
that you knew was never going to die.