cause after a while you realise everything.
and then you appreciate what you have.

got an interesting thought stuck in my head ever since he brought it up.
one that definitely matters to me.
when i really mull about it, i'm glad that i'm here and not there.
just imagining how i would be like...its scary.
its like all of this had to happen to make me the happier person that i am.
and it gives me another reason to believe.
to make me realise that whatever decisions i have made thus far, it is worth it.
and i don't ever want to lose this.
all along i've been thinking that this year hasnt been much for me in growing myself.
i didn't feel like i learnt any life changing experiences.
what i didn't know is that i was slowly changing who i am.
and then i have to take a step back and do a reality check.
its only then you realise how far you've come and how different you could have been.
i am more than thankful that he did bring it up.
though of course with it, the fear of who i used to be.
and how scary it is that i could have been the person i despise utterly.
i didn't want to be that girl but that could have been very possible.
i just needed to make a different decision.
just one.
and everything would have changed.
mindblown.

i guess its situations like these that make you realise how important making a decision is.
and i guess it also shows how important it is sometimes to follow your intuition.
and yet again, to learn to appreciate where you stand today.
cause one different choice could have resulted in a drastically different life.
literally.
the entirety of this just makes me stand in awe at how sometimes the world makes things happen for a reason.
it makes me learn that i am a significant present.
i do make a difference.
and the choices i make does leave an impact both on myself and others.
i realise how important i am.
and that maybe i am not that insignificant.
that maybe its time to start believing in myself.
and to believe that someone really does care.


blown into the past by the harsh winds of experience.
the familiar roads i take seem so cold now.
the hollow soul and vacant eyes is all i see.
where i once seek comfort, i now feel wrath.
i summon all my energy and power within.
to open my eyes once again and live another day.
and this time, its beautiful.

walk the pathway less travelled.
discover things you didn't know about yourself.

okay so im starting to feel pretty nervous for my presentation tomorrow.
i mean i know i should do well but looking at how so many other people are doing it too it kind of sets of some nerves of mine.
i dont know why.
but i just cant wait for it to be over and finally celebrate.
already can see that moment.
somehow i feel unprepared though i dont know what else i can do already.
i gave it my best and i know i gave the most.
so hell yeah i believe i should get what i deserve.
i just pray to god that tmr, i dont fuck up.
please no.

so its only when my phone screen cracked that i realised how attached i got to that phone.
and how reliant i got it.
you could say i kinda feel handicapped without it.
it was the one thing that made me feel comfortable and now i constantly feel something amiss without it.
it feels like im talking about a person but it meant that much to me.
not being materialistic or obsessed over phones.
just that that one phone brought me through some of my life's best moments and i got so used to having it.
really wish it can be repaired.
that's when i realise the magnitude of the saying "you never know the value of something until its gone"
i mean i know i have experienced it before.
but i guess i kinda needed a reminder again just to show me how much it actually means.
i do appreciate everyone around me but sometimes i guess i dont quite show it the best way possible.
as i look back now i realise i really do have nothing to complain about.
my life hasnt been this calm in a very long time and im so grateful for it.
sure drama does perk up your life and make it interesting.
but the feelings that come along and the hurt you have to bear makes it not worth it in the end.
i rather just lead this life filled with simplicy and make myself happy from time to time with small gratifications.
im thankful for all that i have right now.
i really am.
i guess the reason for all this calm-ness too is because the way i view things has most definitely changed.
i find it so easy now to just have an answer for a situation though it might not be the best but at least its something believable.
i dont scrutinize things as much as i did back then and that has greatly changed the way things work out for me.
i most definitely think lesser.
that is like the biggest milestone ever.
it really wasnt easy.
trust me.

so i've been trying to lose weight again.
doing all these exercises that he has planned out for me.
i really hope it works though i know its not as effective without me controlling my food.
but well what can i say.
im a sucker for good food.
i just really have to find that determination in me once again to avoid all temptations, as hard as they may be, just so as to lose that layer of fats and achieve my bikini body.
go loges.

i should probably go to sleep now.

rest your eyes and may your soul sleep endlessly,
forgetting life's worries and embracing only entities.
may the little whispers surround you and carry you home,
surviving the depths of hollow emptiness where once your spirit roam.

we dont say goodbye.
so we'll just say goodnight.

hellos hellos.
been trying to keep myself busy and preoccupied so i dont get lonely.
its been working so far.
well currently i've been busy baking for diwali and the excitement is starting to bubble.
but along with it comes the worries of results.
its great timing to have it just one day after a celebration.
thanks so much school.
bitch.

so i realise i havent been thinking much.
that is a good thing in a way.
but then that also means i havent been reflecting on my life and doing those occasional checkpoints in life to figure out where i stand today.
well right now i guess im pretty much in a good place.
realising once again how a lot of things matter on your perception.
i would definitely say this has been a better year than most other years.
i met amazing people which i thought i was pretty impossible given my horrible experiences with humans as a whole.
im learning how to overcome my trust issues and get over my insecurities.
and i would say that after it all...i havent grown that much still.
i dont know.
still have this feeling that i've got much more to work on and figure out about myself.
somehow i feel jc hasnt been giving me enough experiences which shape my life.
maybe its because i have already experienced much and this would be my stagnating period.
but oh well.
i'll just wait around for what life has to offer.
one thing i do realise though by giving advice to people is that i actually still do have the right words to say.
i thought i lost that.
maybe im not as insensitive as i thought i am.

so okay though i dont think as much as previously i still do.
now and then i wonder if people ever think about me.
given that i have drifted apart from so many people, i wonder if i ever cross their minds.
i wonder what kind of an impact i left.
when they think of me, do they smile and laugh at the moments we shared?
or do they just draw blank cause i never really left any impression.
i wonder.

having a little bit of a life perspective shift.
figuring out what kind of characteristics i wish to stay strong to.
reading all that shit has made me start to think about my own values and the way i even think.
so yeah its been pretty much that.
life is pretty uneventful right now.
its definitely not as crazy as the past few years but heck its still a good one.

she subtly leans forward, revealing just enough to leave him hanging on the edge.
she wants him to want her.
to feel for her.
to understand her.
to love her.
and simply that.