its a wonder how much it empowers me.
yet at the same time, how much it can shadow over me and swallow my presence.
till its absolute silence and nothing is left behind.

time to rekindle some old flames.
but not in the context of what it sounds.
i guess maybe i do need to start doing some things to figure myself out better.
well lets see how this goes.

i love getting into deep talks with you.
you can always give me a new perspective of things.
and give me a reason to think but not the type that makes me end up hurting myself.
sadly its hard to hold such a conversation with you.
but im not going to dwell on that cause i know i'll just end up doing all the comparisons and shit.
maybe you're right.
i do have too high expectations.
but i've been trying for a very long time.
maybe i need to start giving people a chance.
being more optimistic and stop remembering all those haunting moments.
sometimes it gets to a point where the fragile line between reality and my thoughts get blurred and i end up ultimately confused and lost.
i should stop doing that.
i probably told myself that a million times.
but i just never seem to listen.
goddammit.

so i decided its no longer just a love story.
its no more just a guy and a girl.
cause life just isnt that simple no matter how much we want it to be.
and maybe that way, my thoughts have a chance of becoming reality.
all that i've feared can become known.
it becomes written out right in front of me so that i can tear it down.
and live fearless.

everyone has a story.
what's yours?

i just need to let it all go.

i dont understand you at all.
and lately i havent been able to understand anything.
you could say pretty much this is one of the suckiest times of my life.
i really really hate it.
if someone asks me whats wrong i wouldnt be able to answer them.
its just many little small things combined which is affecting me so much right now.
i hate feeling this way, naturally.
i know, there's always a reason for things.
but right now i need to know the reason and just not be treated this way.
nothings been going my way.
feeling like crap and crying over shit.
and it doesnt help that i feel so all over the place cause of my mood swings.
ive been trying to keep it in and just stay calm.
dont create a fuss and more problems.
but thats just killing me inside.
its eating away at me and i hate living this way.
i know letting out my feelings might result in even more disastrous things.
but then again, if its disastrous endings, then maybe im with the wrong characters.
maybe i havent found the storybook i belong in.
i would hate to think thats the fact but it just might be true.
i know it feels comfortable to be like this and just stay this way but maybe there is better out there for me.
maybe.
fuck maybe man.
i hate this.

pretty people with pretty minds.
yet everyone is scarred.

had a fun-filled yet tiring weekend.
definitely had a great time after promos but naturally the downs come along with it.
i hate fighting with you.
and feeling the distant coldness between us.
but i love how you want to get over it as much as i do.

visited the huge gardens with prosthetic trees today.
had many beautiful moments to capture.
and i felt just like a young girl seeing the world for the first time all over again.
it was amazing.
and all the crazy shit i did with those bimbos.
they're a bunch i'll definitely keep with me in life.
cause we're simply "everywhere not happy".
love you guys.


cause everything has a way of coming round.
like walking in circles.
its never-ending.

its too cold outside for angels to fly.

and now all i can do is wait.
sure sucks to not feel confident of myself.
but i already did all that i could and thinking of how much i sacrificed, i really wouldnt know what to do if i get the undesired.
but all i can do is wait.

it keeps eroding away my insides.
eating me up whole and leaving no part of me spared.
i want it all to go away.
to feel good.
to forget and forgive as easy as it is said.
but i cant.
i think.
i dwell.
i wish.
and i always wonder "what if".
i know thats not helping me one bit but its become so natural of me to do this to myself.
feel that insignificant.
sucks to feel that you are more into it than he is.
i dont want to know if its true though.
the truth might just tear me apart.
i feel like ive been getting more fragile.
maybe its cause i keep looking back to those days when life was just like a dream and nothing could possibly go wrong.
when i was still believing that we could be different.
that we could be that way every single day of our lives.
that we were special.
and then when i realise how much things are different now i just cant help wishing.
maybe i shouldnt be.
but i do.
and i cant stop now.

i just need a reminder that it still is the same.
that i still can believe.

forget it all and become blank.
cause nothing matters in the end.

i need the will to keep going.
i never knew it could be this exhausting.
honestly, this is the first time i feel like giving up in the middle of it.
i know its crazy but im going crazy anyway.
just 2 more days.
2 more days.

i honestly never felt that much of disappointment after an exam.
not because im sure to fail but rather cause i worked my ass off but i know im not going to score.
i wanted to, i really gave it my all.
thinking back of the amount of practise i did, i think i was insane.
so i guess its natural for me to feel this way.
but that sure was such an awesome way to start of the exam week.
yippee.
fuck this shit.

as i sit there, i just feel like dropping my pen and bolting out the door.
away from all that's driving me nuts and making me turn into this lifeless robot.
making me feel like there is nothing more to add on to my life.
nothing that is making me feel like im growing.
nada.
and all the emotional stress this has put on me definitely caused  my mood swings to give whip lashes.
i always feel guilty for doing so but at the same time i just feel so annoyed.
its like every little thing triggers me off though all the sensible cells in my body are screaming at me to stay calm.
ironical much.

okay i've got to do this.
one more to do for tonight and then its just 2 more days of hell.
embrace yourself.