im not sure how long more this can go on.

im supposed to clear my mind.
forget all the fucked up things that happen.
move on and present myself like a clean fresh canvas.
ready to paint the thoughts and intentions i should emote.
sounds easy.
well, not quite.
it is pretty easy to push out all other thoughts.
but to keep my mind in that state of clarity and yet bring out a strong thought has never been harder.
well i do want to have my moment on that day.
all these years of waiting.
dancing alone at home with just my reflected self as an audience.
and finally its real.
its happening.
its the night i've been waiting for unconsciously and finally it presents to me.
a performance like never before it shall be.
for not one person sees it but all eyes savour it.
each movement is now magnified by that number of times.
and every single time i realise i have to be able to perform and execute the right moves,
i realise i have been performing my whole life.

the performance never ends.

they say that the world was built for two.

a fine thread.
blowing around in the wind.
lost in the mindless directions and desires.
being thrashed around, unwanted.
useless.

i wonder if i would break down yet again.
i feel myself so close to it.
that moment where you feel like screaming.
like throwing around things and breaking them into a million pieces.
you just throw yourself around violently and will for everything to go away.
stop.

so many demands.
so little i can fulfill.
so little i wish for.
none i achieve.

the lingering silence intensifies the tension.
she hopes he breaks it by saying something.
anything.
willing even a teardrop to save the moment.
he turns.
and he never looks back.
he always doesnt look back.
so he will never know.

understand me.

stop the deafening silence, its killing me.

so have i been going crazy?
physically, most definitely.
mentally, i still cant predict.
the ankle has been getting better though of course the saturday performance aggravated it.
but of course, im not allowed to complain.
not allowed to whine about it.
i just have to keep going on because the consequences of my actions would be harder to control.
and definitely dancing after that period caused awful muscle aches.
and the fall didnt help either.
but keep that mouth shut and do what you have to do.

sad to say, i didnt feel the ecstasy i always felt when i burned to dance.
 maybe its cause of the pain.
or maybe im just losing it.

doing all this work is just making me nuts.
where's the break that i deserve?
oh right, i dont get it.
because what i do is just never enough.

life's special moments must always be cherished.
and of all people, especially so for me.
i always enjoyed that cheap thrill of celebrating a special occasion on that special day itself.
but now.
who i am to blame?

overwhelmed.
thats all ive got say.



the silence she used to run away from,
has now become her valiant saviour.
the company she used to get effortlessly,
is impossible to get when she needs it the most.
all odds turn against her.
when will this be over?
or is it like a permanent scar.
there to stay, there to suffer.
she tells herself she needs to survive,
to stay strong and brave this weather.
quietly praying, let this be over.

free ourselves from this mortal world.

so we've been really busy.
i know its just this period but honestly at some points of time i cant stand it.
maybe you'll understand when your tournament's over and i still have my performance.
i wish you all the best for it.
and i wish to get mine over with for now.

week 7.
i would say its pretty fast.
but i definitely wouldnt want time to slow down.
not exactly what i need at the moment.
a lot of things have been happening and it all seems so long ago.
but in reality its actually pretty recent.
its only when i sit down and think about it that i realize how close it has been when ive been looking at the distance all along.
nothing eventful this past month.
i think.
my memory's been failing me pretty badly.
nothing significant in school.
other than how much i wish i was in venice.
as for him, i still think of that wonderful night.
it was pretty much flawless.
and that look in your eyes, its like you were falling in love for the first time.
i enjoyed every single bit of it.
i definitely would have to thank you for such a memorable experience.
and to finish the night on such a sweet note, that look you gave me after you finished reading the poem.
god i could stare at that face the whole day.
it was a look i dont think ive seen before.
maybe in my imagination but never really in reality.
even now thinking about it, i remember the butterflies you gave me.
i know this may sound so high-school-girl-love-story-ish but it was real.
it happened to me.
and that already counts as a miracle.

i bumped into a few familiar faces.
some of them were easy to acquaint with once again, some not as easy.
but all in all it was good seeing your faces again (:
its like memories from the past being relived, just that at this moment you know things have changed.
either the way you are has changed.
or the relationship between you two has changed.
something.
but it felt comfortable with you.
sure there were some awkward pauses but seeing how far we've come, im glad i still have you.

controlling emotions is of utmost importance.
of all people i should know that.
but recently i have been letting loose.
get a grip.

waiting for this busy period to be over.
the countdown right now is at the tests.
after this comes the practice sessions.
in between that ab camp.
than more hardcore practice.
and finally the performance.
but of course with the academic pursuit still in place at its rigour.
and then maybe i would finally be free.

i should be studying.


i cant write a love song for you,
but a poem, maybe that i can do.
to show you how much you mean to me,
and how i feel for you when you cant see.
i think about you almost all the time,
reminiscing about the moment you became mine.
i want to hold you and never let go.
maybe, just maybe, one day i could do so.
you make me feel like there's nothing more i could want,
but only to be with you where we dont have to hide,
so that i could whisper into your ear one more time,
i love you dear, so stay by my side.