Thursday, March 29, 2012 @ 9:49:00 PM
Unwanted
self battle.
so life is getting really tiring.
but i guess i just got to push on.
hang on in there till its all over.
i kinda dislike the fact that my life is getting to be pretty routine.
its like there is nothing to look forward to.
but i guess i can only make do with what i have and try to have fun.
mixed feelings.
tugging at me all the time.
pulling me in all directions, waiting for me to snap.
and sometimes i get that feeling.
like im not worth it.
like im so insignificant that people dont bother about my existence.
but yet again its my thoughts.
they're scary.
sometimes i wonder if a person who was really close to me came to find out about all of this.
i mean i dont think anyone knows about this.
even if they do they most probably are not as close to me.
i wonder what they would think if they knew behind those vacant stares and drifting off, my emotions are taking one hell of a rollercoaster ride.
i wonder how they would perceive me as a person.
would i no longer be just that girl who was nice to be around?
would i become someone who has many dark secrets and consequently, someone you cant trust cause you realise you dont know the person at all?
i wonder.
i try to figure out myself.
its like i have so many personalities that i want to fit.
that i want to be remembered by.
but sometimes im so caught up in it all that i end up hurting myself.
like i would think of being self-less when i want is to be selfish.
to get some form of happiness for myself.
but im not willing to sacrifice another's happiness just for that.
so i pretend that im some magnanimous soul and act selfless.
somehow i cant help feeling a little disappointed in myself.
for not making myself happy.
i get confused.
still am.
a flicker of feelings.
thats what she felt at that instant.
the way he looked at her.
though it was the briefest of moments, it pierced so much.
that image was so captured so vividly in her mind.
and when she plays it, she cant help feeling that pang of guilt.
she shouldnt be feeling this way for him at all.
but she cant help thinking that somehow this feeling was different.
it was the very same feeling she had the previous time.
the time she met her first love.
inspires
Monday, March 19, 2012 @ 10:31:00 PM
Gorgeous
it was those three words that saved my life.
and the week starts all over again.
you can survive it Loges.
sometimes i feel like such a lazy ass.
but i just cant seem to offer myself enough motivation.
work on that.
was having yet another self battle today.
i tell you one day i just might go crazy from it all.
tearing out my hair like a psychopath.
shut in a mental institution.
so vivid.
i couldnt help feeling that you were not putting as much effort as i was.
and you dont even seem to notice it.
i dont know if its just you being ignorant.
or if you might actually find me to be clingy.
god i hope its not the latter.
i've had way too many instances of being labelled so.
and so i was thinking well maybe i shouldnt try so hard.
but i dont know.
i just cant stop myself from wanting to do all that i can.
i just really wished you would too.
on the train ride back i started thinking about how we started.
and i relived all those exhilarating moments i experienced.
you seemed to take much more effort then.
to make me believe that you werent just fooling around with me.
but you actually meant what you did.
it reminded me of how sweet a guy you can get to be.
and somehow i cant help but expect something from you.
like a surprise or an appreciative gesture.
i dont know.
i know i should reduce my expectations and be contented with what i have.
i tell myself that all the time.
but i guess im just human after all and i cant quite help feeling that way.
i should focus on doing my work right now.
but so many other things are shouting at me for attention.
my head is so cluttered with thoughts it seems like im having a brain failure.
i just feel like detaching myself from it all and go on a seriously indulging retail therapy.
please save me.
she stood there.
waiting.
her eyes filled with what she wanted him to know.
yet her tongue remained in knots.
she pleaded and begged silently.
but all went unnoticed.
in a last attempt she pulled away.
praying for those arms to curl around her and pull her into him.
but instead she felt the opaque air building up around her.
and it engulfed her till she could no longer breathe.
she turns around to catch a whisper of his presence.
but just like the wind that whips at her heart,
he is gone.
inspires
Sunday, March 18, 2012 @ 10:44:00 PM
Breathless
when time stops still.
and all that you got is yourself.
okay i feel as busy as ever.
but i think im doing a damn good job at managing my time.
time has been flying by like a free bird without a care in the world.
i bet pretty soon enough i'll be studying for my mid years in the libraries once again.
so much has been going on in jc life and honestly it is turning out to be quite the experience.
ive met people who are amazing.
but of course none that i can claim as a bff i guess that requires more time.
but the most wonderful part is that i really feel like i can depend on them when i need the help.
i really get the feeling that we're all in this together.
well maybe its also cause its still considered the start of jc life but im hoping to god this doesnt die down.
it would be really good not only for me but for all of us if we kept going.
sometimes it does get a little socially awkward.
but i guess that's all part of the whole process of getting to know each other.
i sure as hell miss all the company in anderson.
that was one of a kind which i dont think i can get in aj.
really looking forward to feel the nostalgic environment on speech day.
that is if we can go.
dance has been incredible though tiring.
i'll admit that at some parts i feel that burning passion within me fading out.
but i'll blame that on the fact that i still have much to improve.
but of course after that performance on saturday night.
that remarkable display.
she uttered nothing, yet she spoke volumes.
her silence was so defeaning, it was like a quiet scream.
it evoked in me all those feelings i thought i'd left dead behind me.
brought back all the memories and fears.
made me feel so alone like i used to feel.
and it made me crave for you so badly.
there's always a million stories to tell.
but when you're given the choice to tell one story, which would you tell:
the one that changed you in ways you never thought possible or
the one that defined who you really are?
and im plunged again into that world of quick thinking and tactful approaches.
no matter how much i scratch and thrash my way up, im just pulled down inevitably by the feelings i harbour.
its like a battle between whether i should choose to do the right thing or whether i should do the better thing.
these moral gray areas.
someone should write out all the rules.
she hums along to the melody she plays in thin air.
knowing that inside her she's slowly falling and breaking down.
but she makes herself believe that she can go on.
she can put a strong front and prove herself that is what she is.
when she reaches the end, all that remains is the stillness.
the vacant stares.
knowing she is going to crumble, she runs for support.
and there in his arms she let herself breathe.
inspires
Saturday, March 17, 2012 @ 5:00:00 PM
Missing
i need to write it.
so badly.
give me the time.
inspires
