so im thinking again.
not good.
received my first and probably only red packet today.
well it sure was a surprise and i was overjoyed.
couldnt ask for more.
and for that moment i really did feel the festivity of it all.
now to think that in a week's time i would actually be a college student, its scaring me.
i mean yeah i know i've been looking forward to it for a really long time.
mainly cause of the fact i want to do something productive.
in fact i just want to do something again that takes up all of my time.
but when i started thinking about the syllabus and the difficulty level of it all, i gotta admit i freaked out.
i've had this freak-out moments back in primary school too.
between the transition of primary to secondary.
just the thought that maybe all of this is beyond me.
but i know to deal with this i just need self-confidence and motivation.
which i can give myself.
i'll push myself to do it.
i have to.
its just the whole prospect is scary.
take it one step at a time.
i'll be fine.
and so i had my thinking mode on earlier today.
and of course as usual right now.
i dont know if its just moodswings or the effects of thinking too wildly.
i know i got to cut back on the expectations.
be happy with what i have.
dont ask for more.
i tell myself that practically all the time.
in fact a new method of making myself feel better is by looking at the past and the good stuff.
and yeah it works to a certain extent.
but that's the thing, it's only to a certain extent.
the other part of it is still leaving room for desires.
maybe i just need my own time and space.
but i know company is all i crave.
im just afraid that maybe this time, im more into it than you are.
not that it's a bad thing but, i just really wish i knew how much you feel about it all.
because your aloof behaviour and distant look gets to me at times.
and then i start wondering.
she paces up and down the room, questioning herself if she has done a mistake.
putting herself in that vulnerable state was something she had never imagined she would do.
at least not yet.
she knows she savoured the pleasure while it lasted, but as usual the after-effects get to her.
she starts dissecting the moments into bits and pieces and tries figuring them out.
had she gone too far this time?
