Monday, January 30, 2012 @ 10:26:00 PM
Repeat
so here's to a new beginning.
i stuck to the slogan of my alma mater.
once an andersonian, always an andersonian.
the thought that school starts tomorrow is pretty unnerving.
new faces.
new surroundings.
new teachers.
new everything.
omg.
after spending the day with my bestie and her boyfriend i realised i really am going to miss all of that.
when we had to say goodbye it actually was hard.
i hope i'll get accustomed to my new routine fast enough.
at least that would stop the butterflies in my stomach.
i pray tomorrow goes fine.
in fact, i hope it goes better than fine.
inspires
12:55:00 AM
and suddenly you just get that overwhelming need to cry.
your chest constricts so much you feel you cant breathe.
your eyes blink in defeat, letting those tears flow in a beautiful stream downward.
you remain quiet, but inside you're turning deaf from the piercing screaming.
pain.
anger.
hurt.
you lose.
inspires
12:18:00 AM
Travesty
alright so im thinking what's your problem dude.
off mood totally.
i guess being too much at home is getting to me.
makes me turn snappy.
oh i dont know.
so actually im not that nervous for tomorrow after all.
its just a couple of hours away.
maybe its cause i was always thinking i will get my first choice.
i was pretty confident about it.
in fact that's the one thing i've been most confident about recently.
not that im not confident about things in my life.
or is it?
alright so truth be told i do want the holidays to be slightly longer.
yeah im looking forward to school but thinking about my sleep routine..
its going to take quite some time to make the appropriate adjustments.
but of course i dont want to spend any more time just rotting away at home.
that part is eating away at me.
i guess i got so used to the idea of being around people that nowadays when im alone i really hate it.
it just makes me feel like crap and i dont know how else to put it but all i'll say is "ugh",
i cant believe how fast time really flies by.
its like i tell myself about that fact so that i would cherish each moment and make it seem that much longer than it actually is.
but even after doing that it still feels awfully short.
and counting the number of days that has past, i feel that im ageing ever so fast.
i dont remember the 100 days to o's going this fast.
okay so whining has been affecting me nowadays.
even when i whine i tell myself to shut up.
i dont know if its me growing up or going through a phase.
so much so when people whine about things im so tempted to just tell them piss off about it and move on.
alright i know thats so not me.
im just having a really bad mood.
sorry.
i just want to see someone so badly right now.
anyone.
and just talk to you about anything under the sun.
i just really need company.
inspires
Thursday, January 26, 2012 @ 11:12:00 PM
Melody
so im thinking again.
not good.
received my first and probably only red packet today.
well it sure was a surprise and i was overjoyed.
couldnt ask for more.
and for that moment i really did feel the festivity of it all.
now to think that in a week's time i would actually be a college student, its scaring me.
i mean yeah i know i've been looking forward to it for a really long time.
mainly cause of the fact i want to do something productive.
in fact i just want to do something again that takes up all of my time.
but when i started thinking about the syllabus and the difficulty level of it all, i gotta admit i freaked out.
i've had this freak-out moments back in primary school too.
between the transition of primary to secondary.
just the thought that maybe all of this is beyond me.
but i know to deal with this i just need self-confidence and motivation.
which i can give myself.
i'll push myself to do it.
i have to.
its just the whole prospect is scary.
take it one step at a time.
i'll be fine.
and so i had my thinking mode on earlier today.
and of course as usual right now.
i dont know if its just moodswings or the effects of thinking too wildly.
i know i got to cut back on the expectations.
be happy with what i have.
dont ask for more.
i tell myself that practically all the time.
in fact a new method of making myself feel better is by looking at the past and the good stuff.
and yeah it works to a certain extent.
but that's the thing, it's only to a certain extent.
the other part of it is still leaving room for desires.
maybe i just need my own time and space.
but i know company is all i crave.
im just afraid that maybe this time, im more into it than you are.
not that it's a bad thing but, i just really wish i knew how much you feel about it all.
because your aloof behaviour and distant look gets to me at times.
and then i start wondering.
she paces up and down the room, questioning herself if she has done a mistake.
putting herself in that vulnerable state was something she had never imagined she would do.
at least not yet.
she knows she savoured the pleasure while it lasted, but as usual the after-effects get to her.
she starts dissecting the moments into bits and pieces and tries figuring them out.
had she gone too far this time?
inspires
Monday, January 23, 2012 @ 6:15:00 PM
Fake
and right now i cant forsee anything.
feels weird not to be celebrating cny.
after doing it for so many years, i really miss that nostalgic feeling.
oh well i cant change my relatives travel plans.
and i certainly didnt expect to be going 7km walking on cny.
in a jungle.
wow.
this just really goes to show me once again that things have a way of turning out not the way you planned it to be.
but maybe thats a good thing.
makes life filled with surprieses.
and its from these little surprises that you can gain joy you never thought would be in such great amounts.
it felt awkward seeing him after all these years at first.
on top of the fact i knew exactly how he was feeling at that time but i couldnt do anything to help because whether i like it or not i was on the opposite border.
and to think he is still stuck there while i have moved on.
i really wanted to give him whatever words i could offer but it just didnt seem right.
and naturally his pain was far worse than mine was.
thats the scary thing about relationships.
it can change you so much.
and the thing about it is that the ending is what people remember.
no matter how many special moments there are in the relationship, its the 'i do' or the goodbye that leaves the lasting impression.
if its the happy ending, then yay everyone lives happily ever after.
but if its the sad ending, it gets really scary.
true, its a matter of how you deal with it.
you can pluck yourself up and tell yourself maybe that person just wasnt the one for me.
get a move on.
but its true too that deep down within you there will be at least a small fragment of you which will never be the same again.
today i saw that fragment of him.
it scared the hell out of me.
it made me want to cry for him.
but i couldnt because just like everyone else, we always have to put a strong front for the world.
let others believe they can rely on your false walls built by fear.
deep down many are crumbling.
various reasons.
but keep that smile.
and thats what she did.
she gave a brave smile and recited her mantra: "everything is going to be alright"
inspires
Friday, January 20, 2012 @ 10:45:00 PM
Independence
alright so life has been really good.
there's not anything i can complain about.
and im just happy almost all the time.
the sucky part about it is i know this doesnt last.
it just doesnt.
its too dream-like.
and thats why im just dreading the moment when i'll have to face the cold reality again.
safe and sound - current earworm.
she is awesome beyond words.
just when i think there could possibly be an artist better than her, she reels me back in with her songs.
till date she is the only artist that can make me cry with the power of her music.
true that its mostly her lyrics that affect me so much.
but thats good enough.
12 days.
its going to be pretty lonely without you guys.
i'll miss you.
i swear i wont take being healthy for granted again.
just make the pain go away.
no matter how much life passes and how happy you already are, there's just that one part that doesnt feel quite right.
alright maybe its just me.
i just cant figure it out at all.
its like im missing out on something so important.
maybe its something i have yet to encounter.
or maybe its something i have to rediscover.
hollow emptiness.
all the time.
it gets me thinking about the grand scheme of things.
about life.
true that im living life the way i would love it to be right now.
but there's always the buts.
i know they say have no regrets.
but what if i did something differently, and i find out about this mysterious segment of my life thats been eluding me thus far?
its like i feel myself gravitating towards the fact that i just have to find out something.
something that is so important and could change my life greatly.
something that completes me as a being.
it sounds out of this world when its written in words but some feelings are just too difficult to express.
i stare into the night skies all the time.
what part of the picture am i missing?
i can derive great pleasure from deep thoughts.
but that feeling always accompanies it.
sitting down with her arms curled around her legs and gazing into the distance.
is she searching for a person?
or just a place to be?
deep down her soul there's that urgent quest for something more.
you can see it in her dark brown eyes which clouds her vision.
is it a matter of perception?
was at dad's office earlier on today.
since there's really nothing to do at all i stumbled over online quizzes about practically everything.
being the person i am i did those related to living life, relationships and others like that.
i came to realise i am moulding my life into the way i always wanted it to be.
i am being perceived the way i want to be by those who truly understand me.
that is one part about me that i've yet to find if it has changed.
am i still that misunderstood girl?
guess i dont have to wait long for that.
i am looking forward to starting school again.
though of course there is that small part of me that likes rotting the day away.
but still the greater part of me would rather do something productive.
am i ready to face the fresh wave of judgement?
just realised my phone brand is very good motivation.
Life's Good.
hold on to this lullaby.
even when the music's gone.
inspires
Tuesday, January 10, 2012 @ 12:11:00 AM
Wonder
i just want to give you a reason to smile again.
alright so the dreaded results are finally over.
well i guess i did moderately.
i am satisfied, but i cant say im over the moon.
i mean yeah i was that close to what i really wanted but at least i didnt land off too far.
i have no regrets but i do wonder how i got some of my grades.
performed better at some and worse than expected at others.
but thank god for english and higher tamil.
right now im really confused where i should go.
so many different voices in my head.
but i'll have to figure out real soon i guess.
doesnt help that i've a mum who wants me to apply by tomorrow.
sheesh.
alright so the year has kicked off with a relatively good start.
cant believe i am going to a new school and going to meet new people.
already there is some drama to the 2012 but what the heck whats a life without those rumours.
but hooray me guess what i dont give a fuck.
and i like that feeling.
like seriously talk what you want to but i know i didnt do anything wrong or even that stupid.
if this was me like 2 years ago i would broken down like hell.
but yeah baby im not affected.
okay so im gonna have to seriously work around time this year.
i mean it was inevitable that we'll be going different schools.
guess i just didnt want to face it but yeah now its like a smack in the face.
we could always work our way around our schedules.
i could go over to study!
hell im sure we'll figure something out.
for now, i'll just grab whatever chance i can get.
i dont want to lose this.
not now.
never.
yeah i dont believe in forever anymore.
and when i hear 'for life' and all those i know its so phony.
but i know at this instant i really want to go on for as long as i can.
and i mean that.
i know i disappointed my sis a little.
but she's doing a goddamn good job at covering it up.
that just makes me love her more.
my parents seem happy.
surprisingly my dad is the one who's more into the yay mood.
i know better results would have made my mum happier but i know i got her approval.
i mean yeah it would have been awesome to give them results that makes them faint.
well at least i know i made them proud.
man right now i really dont know what to feel.
one moment you seem alright and the next you dont!
worst part of it all is that i have no freaking idea what to say to make things better.
i just dont really know how to handle you.
i was always afraid of this.
well actually i was always afraid of when you get angry.
but you being upset isnt much better.
i hope things turn round tmr.
inspires
Thursday, January 5, 2012 @ 11:24:00 PM
Greed
after so long.
it felt good.
thank you love (:
wondering how the campfire would be like tomorrow.
feels so long since i've been in that kind of a scene.
nostalgia.
miss that.
im sure things wont end up awkward given that sociable nature of his.
but its just me.
have to sort out how the day goes by the morning.
wonderful past 2 days.
though the nights havent been so incredible.
im seriously dumbstruck to this.
i'll feel goddamn bloody tired and ready to knock out any moment.
but once i get onto that bed all i do is toss and turn.
that is hell unfair.
its been getting worse by the night.
oh god let me sleep peacefully tonight.
spending time with you is so effortless.
and so short.
can never get enough of it.
paradise.
make me feel like im a kid all over again.
when things are not going fine, tell me its all a drama and that i just have to play in character.
when im tired, carry me in your arms and make me feel on top of the world.
when im sad, tell me those tears are far too precious to be wasting.
and when im happy, tell me how much you love me.
decisions have to be made.
im just hoping its not the wrong one.
inspires
Tuesday, January 3, 2012 @ 10:47:00 PM
Fresh
and here we go again.
2011 was amazing.
i have to admit.
i learnt more than i ever expected too and it has made me a stronger person.
and a more understanding person.
i realise i have been pretty selfish in certain aspects of life.
but changes are always made.
it was the best year out of my four years for sure.
though of course the only thing that could have been better was asc.
i miss that man.
if i was still an active member of that hell yeah 2011 would have been awesome to infinity.
i finally learnt how to detach myself.
relax and live a life i love.
and not cry over spilt milk.
i mean yeah naturally you would but one day you've got to stop right?
and call me crazy but i liked all that studying.
especially the days when school was over and i would go back to the library to study.
i think i did my best.
now all i can do is wait.
no regrets, i promise myself that.
but yeah even my birthday this year was incredible.
i spent it with wonderful company and back at home i even got surprised.
shows signs of reduced expectations.
yeah i know im still pretty demanding but cut me some slack.
i figured how to just live in the moment and make it into beautiful memories.
memories that would be untainted by what happens next, be it good or bad.
i really had one great year.
though it wasnt such a rollercoaster ride as the previous one, it was a good ride nonetheless.
became close with people i would never expect to cherish.
improved in my results drastically by finally setting my head right.
learnt to value things which mean alot to me.
and of course i met an enchanting guy (:
of course i made mistakes along my way too.
but instead of regretting the mistakes i made and wishing i didnt, its those mistakes that made me clearer of who i really am and what kind of person i want to be.
so in a way im thankful for the mistakes i did too.
there are just some mistakes that you have to commit so that you would finally see for yourself what you have to learn from it.
i spent the new year on a high note, literally.
well who would have thought a day planned out at marina bay to catch those beautiful fireworks would turn out into a drinking night with inception playing on the sidelines?
certainly not me.
yeah i was a little upset about that but my sis sure knows how to perk me up.
god bless her.
and then sleeping in half a day on the 1 january.
total bliss.
and this year sure has been unique so far.
but im loving it.
so from here on where do i go?
thats the question that's been consistently running through my head since last year.
this is seriously the first time i find myself so aimless.
and honestly it doesnt feel like such a good thing to me.
back when i was younger i just always knew what to do.
for god sake i was even better with my moves then.
nowadays i find myself actually thinking of what's the right thing to do when once it all came naturally to me.
and i start doubting myself alot as i grow older.
thinking that im not good enough.
i dont know if its just me losing confidence or that im actually accepting reality.
its like one of those movie scenes where your life flashes right in front of you.
not that i've many past experiences to flashback on but actually my future.
like screenshots of all the possibilities.
and you sit there wondering what the hell you're doing with your life.
not that i screwed up anything majorly.
in fact i haven't done that the past year i believe and i would thank god for that.
but basically what you want to do with your life.
its like i know i dont want to end up like one of those people who take a certain road and then realise that's not the road they wanted at all and decide to hop onto another road.
and its not like i know which road i want to take either.
some people would say the road's right in front of me, i just have to open my eyes.
but its not that i dont see the road, but a matter of whether i like that road or not.
i mean its a total cliche but what's a life without a few cliches?
and yes i know maybe its a little bit too early to be thinking about all of this.
but knowing me, i just cant get it off my mind.
alright so results are finally coming.
all the expectations been dished out on me already.
and face it Loges, you cant change anything now.
im definitely nervous but im actually quite excited too.
i know i did work my ass off.
i just needed reminders of how hard i slogged.
which i got a ton off when i cleared out my study.
so i couldnt have done awfully.
maybe not the best i would hope for but definitely not awful, right?
its like less than a week away.
i cant believe the holidays flew past like that.
yeah i remember all the moments but seriously its two months already?
dang.
alright, its time to brace yourselves.
inspires
