had such a terrible hour.
but thank you my love.
i dont know what i would do without you.
you really are there whenever i need you.
thanks babe (:
and you know me all too well.
you knew i wouldnt make that message cause i wouldnt dare.
so i have to thank you for sparing me the misery of wondering the worst case scenario.
you're just awesome.

im really worried already.
i dont know what to think anymore.
i cant think of a scenario where its so bad that you cant even do that.
because its just not possible.
and also because i dont want that to be possible.
i wish i could do something about it but all i can do is wait...right?
all thats on my mind is that right now.
in fact its all i've been thinking about since tues.
it made me realise how attached i've become.
cause today when i was made to think the most dreadful...i really couldnt handle that.
and i just felt so vulnerable all over again.
i'd really like to believe thats not the case.
and that that wont happen.
not for anytime now.

i dont think i've ever been this worried for anyone.
or at least i dont recall.

i just want to see you smile once more.

its a sucky feeling.
i cant believe im being so pathetic.
but truth is i am.
oh god Loges you seriously need to go get a life.
life goes on and you can make yourself happy.

had another day where i just had to drag myself out of bed.
didnt find any reason to wake up.
i mean i was totally looking forward to today till i found out.
and then i expected then you've have to cancel.
but as always there's that small part of me clinging on to that little bit of hope.
and this time i was right.
you did not prove me wrong.
i mean i know its not your fault...
but its just a sucky feeling.
deal with it.
and on top of that there was that ANNOYING drilling sound.
and it was so hardcore it literally shook my bed.
seriously they want the whole block to wake up at 9am?
i mean hello there are some people who would like to sleep in.
buggers.
and then feels just like another day totally wasted.
but i know im just waiting for the days to pass.
but still i hate feeling like i wasted my day.

im guessing you're starting to mean more to me than i thought you actually did.
i dont know if thats a good or bad thing.
god its just an awful day.

the only good part of the day was watching himym.
it seriously made me laugh this time.
thats a really good show.
and now all the character voices in my head.

please get better soon.
im worried for you.

maybe i'll just have to wait for another week or so.
its not that long...right?
god it is too long.
but the right thing to do is to wait.
and i should do the right thing.

i hate this.

reminiscing.
right now i really wish you were here.
feels just like yesterday when it happened.
i still remember the ecstacy i felt.
its too vivid.
i even remember i had to go to the toilet before my sister caught me smiling like a fool to myself.
amazed by what had just happened.
and stunned into disbelief.
i clearly remember i couldnt believe that it was happening to me.
inside of me i literally screamed "omg omg omg".
but it was all real.
my movie life was a reality for that moment.
it was just about an hour ago.
and then the flood of messages came in.
i still couldnt believe you did that.
in a matter of just minutes, we changed.
it was a whole new level.
and one that i was quite unfamiliar with.
even now, i dont know how you did it.
its all too good to be real.
but i cannot tell you how happy i am that you did.
the pure joy.
it can never be replaced.

wondering what you're doing right now.
i wonder if you think about me.
or if you brought it along.
im thinking not cause it would be easily found then.
i wonder if you know im missing you so much.
i've not felt this way in such a long time it actually feels foreign.
and i dont know how to react.
its like i forgot what im supposed to do.
im always guessing things like how you're not the expressive type.
or maybe you're just like me, figuring your way slowly.
less of the expectations is what i need.
but you dont know how much im dying to hear those words from you.
it would really mean the world to me.
but like i said, i dont want to put you in the situation anymore.
i'll just wait for when you truly mean it.
i mean one day or another, you've got to right?
i hope so.
im secretly hoping its soon.

things would have been so much different if you were here.
but then that wouldnt have been your last day.
well we could have met by, as i put it in my terms, coincidence.
a special day with a special someone.
a milestone.
okay not really that big.
but it still means a lot to me (:

missing you already.

had a fantastic time yesterday (:
though i could have almost died in that cold.
hadnt shivered like that in a long time.
and it is final, i can never go to the beach without getting thrown into the sea.
should have prepared for that.
the only sad part was that there was no sun!
well good thing from that is that i dont get darker.
but still it wasnt as fun playing in the rain when the sand is damp.
it was awkward for me and him.
i mean we didnt even talk.
barely looked at each other.
hmmm.
i wonder what was running through his mind.
bet he wldnt have come along if he knew who's going.
but i was happy to finally see them again.
and i was glad i could share a few private moments with you.
i was afraid you would forget about the letter.
proved me wrong (:
but then again, sometimes i wish i could be a mind reader.
i know its like invading privacy but cmon i really want to know what you're thinking.
then what i intended for didnt happen.
i was glad but at the same time i felt abit upset.
it was like as though i didnt matter enough for them to bother.
but god i love my sis.
she's a real keeper.

another 4 days to go.
i wish we could have spent that day together but i no you dont really have a choice.
maybe the next time then (:
but at least now i know that you know.
i hope you remember the date.
cause it'd be real funny if you didnt know the date.
course i would be abit upset too.
but i never know, you always prove me otherwise.

having mixed feelings about results.
i want it to come faster.
but at the same time i dont know if im ready to face it.
2nd dream about results last night.
scary part is that the dreams are good.
so it'd be really disappointing if it turns out otherwise.
i really dont know what to expect anymore.
and i hate the fact that everyone's asking me where i want to go.
but i aint got no shitty clue.
for goodness sake out of nowhere the poly option reappears.
swinging back and forth again.
its like im spoilt with so many choices.
people would say thats a good thing.
but when you find yourself standing in the middle, trying to figure out what is the right thing and what you want, it isnt easy.
its like a decision of who i want to please.
i know everyone says take the decision for yourself.
but whats the consequences?
just letting the days pass by one by one.

i still got a whole life ahead.

here i come baby.

taking off tonight 8pm.
hello deep blue seas.

i need to start up a charity fund.
its 100% profitable and all of it goes into Loges's bank.
i seriously am broke.
and to think i haven't gone christmas shopping.
save me.

i've been getting the weirdest dreams ever.
don't know if its just me imagining things or if i have a screwed up mind.
seriously who dreams about..oh god forget it.
still gives me the creeps when i think about it.
now everytime i walk down the street and see any one of them looking at me i seriously freak out.
i mean i know its not like my nightmare can come true.
but its still freaky.
come to think of it i've been dreaming alot lately.
hmm.

dreading all the errands.
just feel like learning a new song and playing it.
procrastination.
oh well.

im still waiting.
i don't know how long you're going to take.
or if you even are intending to.
considering the fact you dont think much about it.
or maybe you're just lying about that.
i'll never know.
but in any case, i shall not create such a situation anymore.
figured that if you wanted to say it, you will.
till then, i guess i'll just have to wait.

it sucks when you know something that maybe you shouldnt know.
and then you dont know if you should tell someone about it.
theoretically it seems the correct thing to do.
but considering the repercussions, i don't think i should open my mouth.
i hate playing these kind of games.
its like either of my actions, im going to end up hurting someone.
but i dont want to hurt any of them.
they mean too much to me to lose.
who said libras are good at balancing acts.
sheesh.
throughout all of these i havent been able to keep my own emotions in check.
i spend so much of time thinking how to solve it.
or at least try to calm things down.
but it feels horrible when i come up with nothing.
sometimes i feel why the hell is a 16 year old involved in this.
i mean im still young.
i've still got so much more to experience before im wise enough to make proper decisions about these kind of things.
to make decisions which will be good in the long term too.
i dont know if i've that maturity yet.
but then once again i cant think about that fact.
because like it or not, im part of it already.
and im still standing in the middle of the bridge with the hole between my legs getting wider.
im not that strong to pull it together.
i try.
but i dont know if my efforts are enough.
sometimes i feel so sick of it all.
i just feel like running away.
but thats not what i would do if i care about them so much.
i gotta stick through it.
i hope i can.

push those thoughts back.

im gonna miss you.
bye.

i just cant believe you yet.
no matter how much i want to.
im just not letting my guard down yet.

its a good thing i've not been so bored.
in fact i think this is my most well-spent holiday.
if only i had that little bit more.
life would be awesome man.
its great to feel this way.
without a care in the world.
just dancing to the beat.

back to trying to lose weight again.
but i hope im not becoming drastic.
oh well, its all for that confidence.

random songs running through my mind.
bump,bump,bump.

yet another chalet tmr.
somehow i've got quite some anticipation.
i just hope it doesnt end up awkward.
any way, i bet i'll have a great time (:
its all a matter of how i want to play it.

sudddenly feel like there's so much to do.
hmmm..

starting to get dreams abt results already.
i would say thats pretty fast.
i was expecting somewhere towards new year.
guess i'll just have to deal with it.
dont freak out.
not like i can change anything now.

choices.
options.
now thats better.

you're perfect.
i wonder how long i'll live a dream.