i don't know if i should.

crap.
june hols are ending faster than i thought it would.
i admit it.
i've been spending too much time out.
it worked.
until...
damn.
i should seriously stop doing that.

there's lots of photos to upload.
but next time.
i feel like really blogging right now.

this is for you.
i don't know if you will be reading this.
but still...
i don't want to become the person you will curse.
for hurting you.
i don't.
thing is i guess i just want things to stop.
stay the way it is.
cause i don't know where i want to bring it.
you can say im pretty aimless in life.
i don't know a lot of things.
im just scared of making the wrong decision.
scared of taking the wrong risk.
the wrong door.
i don't know.
i guess i won't be doing anything about it just yet.
not until i figure out myself proper.
im really sorry for that.
im sorry if i've made you feel in any way that it could be something.
it might.
i just don't know yet.
i need time.
and im so sorry for all those times i kept you worried.
i really didn't mean to.
sometimes situations just don't work the way we want to.
and things happen at the wrong time.
at the wrong place.
things just happen.
so im sorry for that too.
and i got to thank you for all the times you've been there.
im sorry i ignored you at certain times.
but trust me when i say,
its really comforting to know that someone is there.
someone who truly means it,
and won't leave.
thanks alot.
you literally can be there when i need you.
and that's awesome.
it seriously is.
i am super lucky for that.
having someone like you as a friend (:


okay..now i just want to talk in general.
i know that what i'm doing is stupid.
i know that what i'm thinking of is also stupid.
it could be a misunderstanding.
like this whole thing.
i don't know how it led you to think that she could be any part of this.
i know its my fault too.
i dont deny that.
do you ever feel that you want someone back in your life,
someone who might not want to be part of your life again?
im stupid.
i really am.
i don't know anymore if you really do care.
or i was just someone you had to be nice to.

i keep counting.
i know i shouldn't.
its just a reminder of what i should be forgetting.
but it really is proving very hard to forget.
so many days i've been trying to make myself busy.
go out and enjoy myself.
i do enjoy myself.
and i love all the people with me BIG TIME.
but in those seconds alone,
my mind just slips back to thinking.
thinking of you.
i really shouldn't.
but i've realised the harder i fight it off,
the harder it gets for me.
i guess i got used to thinking of you.
and i was finally becoming okay.
it was like there had never been any hole in my chest.
i was not healed,
but it was as if there had never been a wound in the first place.
but there's always something to ruin it.
bring back the pain.
its no more of the memories.
i don't even really remember them anymore.
but there's just pain.
which gets even harder to get through.
i just hope one day the pain will go away.
and not come back.